I haven't posted for a while, and have been through a very rough journey with Mum over the past few months. She is now out of Residential Care, after weeks of aggression and refusal to eat, drink or take medication except from me, so that I was exhausted from being called at all hours of the day and night. After 2 disastrous attempts at having her home again, I finally conceded defeat, and she's now in an Older Mental Health Unit (since last October), where, while they haven't been able to bring her back to a socially acceptable level of behaviour, she's been happy and the staff all adore her. They love her endless stories and her songs, and even if she'd improved tremendously, I wouldn't have allowed her back at the original Nursing Home, so we're looking for somewher else which fits her, rather than the other way around! Until last week, she was doing reasonably well, but she has a very diseased knee which was supposed to be replaced years ago, but the first operation was so traumatic (Mum reacts vey badly to opiates) that she refused the operation. Now her pain levels are so bad that we've gone back to Fentanyl patches, and her reaction was so extreme, with terrifying hallucinations and shouting and banging, frightening the other patients, that she had to be sedated until the effects have worn off. Now I don't know where to turn. I just don't know whether she's deteriorated solely because of the wrong medication being given to her in the nursing home, or is this the path her Dementia would have followed anyway, or does she just want to come home with us? The supports I already had in place before are no longer there, and I'm not sure I have the strength any more to keep fighting the system. I only work minimal hours, as Mum has been my priority, and I know she couldn't be left on her own, plus I know realistically I now couldn't manage her fulltime. Every day, I see her losing the capacity to do things - she even takes her teeth out now and refuses or is unable to put them back in at times. I feel like everyone, including me, has failed her, and I don't know what the answer is.

Mim, thank you so much for your open and honest post.
Providing care is an enormously challenging and difficult time so please be reassured you have not 'failed,' in fact your dedication to your mothers physical and emotional wellbeing is to be commended.
It is obvious from your post that you have done everything possible to care for your Mum at home, and we know there is no doubt if physically able - home care would be your first option. However, it is our experience that in many cases it is better to let go of the strain of providing physical care so you still have the energy to support their emotional wellbeing and create magical moments.
Whilst we are not able to advise regarding medication and its possible side effects, it is common knowledge that older people process and retain medications in their systems differently to younger people, so there is always a case to revise what is being given with their medical practitioner. It may be a case of trial and error to find something more suitable, especially if your Mum has had a history of bad reactions to opiates.
Your immediate challenge is to find suitable long term accomodation that will support your Mum in a loving and caring environment. It may take you some time to investigate a variety of options, paying particular attention to their approach and culture to ensure your Mum will get the extra attention, support to maintain her abilities, and emotional understanding that she needs. This may be the key to success as she did respond well to the caring approach from staff at the Health Unit. You may like to read more in our article, 5 Universal Emotional Needs. You may also find useful contacts in our article, Aged Care Services in Australia.
Mim, you are doing a fantastic job and we understand that you are facing many difficult challenges that seem overwhelming. Be sure to take time out to recharge your own batteries as this will enable you to stay positive in the long term care of your wonderful Mum.
We would love to hear from other carers who face these same challenges and who may have some first hand wisdom from their journey.
Do let us know how you go Mim.